Ed Markey keeps getting unstuck in time

The bad news is that Sen. Ed Markey was reelected last night.

The good news is, we’ll probably never see him again in Massachusetts, now that he’s run his final race (fingers crossed!) at age 80.

Ed Markey, Maryland’s third senator. The man that time forgot. And Markey’s forgotten plenty himself, not that he ever knew that much to begin with.

During his single debate this year with GOP challenger John Deaton, Markey claimed that Charlie Baker was not governor while Donald Trump served as president.

Not true, of course. Baker was governor during Trump’s entire first term. Deaton tried to use the screw-up to point out how clueless Markey is – as if we didn’t already know. But at least this year Markey managed to get Baker’s name right.

"Not true, of course."

In 2020, Markey referred to Baker as “Gov. Charlie Bacon.” (Joe Biden, who’s a couple of furlongs further around the assisted-living track than even Markey, used to call the RINO governor “Charlie Parker.”)

One of Deaton’s campaign talking points this year concerned Markey’s house in Malden, which belonged to his late parents. Deaton would quote a story from the Globe about how Markey pays the minimum water fee, apparently because he’s not hooked up.

It’s a telling story, but it goes back to 2013. But then, that’s the way it is with almost all Ed Markey stories – they’re old, like he is. And there’s nothing much new, because he doesn’t do much, and never has, come to think of it.

Billy Bulger, the now 92-year-old ex-state Senate president, had the best description of Markey, almost a half-century ago, at the St. Patrick’s Day breakfast in South Boston.

“To a battle of wits,” Bulger said, “he comes unarmed.”

Nowadays Markey is like the character in Kurt Vonnegut’s famous novel, Slaughterhouse-Five, Billy Pilgrim.

Billy Pilgrim, Vonnegut tells us, “has come unstuck in time.”

Much like the junior senator from Massachusetts.

After the Patriots won the Super Bowl in 2017, Markey went onto the floor of the Senate to congratulate “the Boston Patriots.”

Missed it by that much, Ed! They used to be the Boston Patriots… until 1971.

During the 2020 campaign, Markey was asked what to him was a trick question:

“Do you get back to Malden and Medford and the Meadow Glen Mall or – even if it’s still there – these places?”

Markey went into a full Billy Pilgrim. He came unstuck in time. He started thinking about the Twin Drive In, which was big during the Lyndon Johnson administration, when Ed Markey had his last job in the Dreaded Private Sector – driving a Mr. Frosty soft ice-cream truck in Malden.

Markey went slack-jawed as he thought about the old, the very old days.

“Well, the Twin Drive In and the Meadow Glen Mall are are uh –“ He coughed nervously – “are uh uh are uh are uh uh are are part of our, you know, rich culture the um yeah so I live in Malden.”

Sure you do, Mr. Frosty.

When Sen. Ted Kennedy was running for president in 1979, he had a network camera crew following him for one of those day-in-the-life puff pieces. Kennedy was about to take a call from the second-term Congressman when he suddenly realized he had a problem. He yelled at his aide, Rick Burke.

“Ricky,” Teddy yelled, “What’s his name? What’s his name?”

Burke said Markey but Kennedy shook his head.

“No no no,” he said. “What’s his first name?”

Burke told him, Teddy took his hand off the mouthpiece and said, in his best syrupy fashion, “Oh Ed, how are you?”

The whole exchange appeared the next night on network news. Poor Eddie, nobody knew his name. Some things never change.

In 1986, Joe Kennedy was running for his first term in Congress. He spent millions on TV ads. On primary day, in Medford – Markey’s district – the old Democrat ladies started bringing their ballots back to the wardens and complaining.

“I don’t see that Kennedy boy’s name on my ballot!” they would yell. “I want to vote for Kennedy for Congress and all I see is this… Markey!”

By that point, he’d been their Congressman for a decade. And still nobody had a clue who he was.

So many Markey stories, and they’re all the same. Of course he’s into gun control – “We need to stop the flow of high magazine clips.”

High magazine clips? May we quote you on that, Mr. Frosty?

The first time he ran for the Senate, in 1984, he fancied himself an expert in foreign affairs. A TV station gave him a “Just the Facts” quiz. He had no clue who the prime minister of Israel was. He didn’t know which side we were or weren’t backing in Nicaragua. (Hint Eddie: Danny Ortega was more popular than you in Massachusetts.)

Markey made to the House running for an open seat, in 1976. In a seven-man field, he got 22% of the vote. In 2013, he finally reached the Senate – in another open-seat election.

Markey’s had two memorable votes in his 13-year career. His first vote in the Senate came on a resolution to give Obama the authority to bomb Syria.

He voted present.

Then there was the Green New Deal. Markey introduced the preposterous legislation. In a brilliant parliamentary move, Sen. Mitch McConnell brought it to the floor for a vote, to force the Democrats to put their money where their mouths were.

Markey voted present – on his own bill.

I like his opponent this year, John Deaton. He’s a decent guy. This morning Deaton’s probably shaking his head and thinking to himself, “I can’t believe I lost to this guy.”

If so, he’s joining a long line of vanquished politicians – Seth Moulton, Joe Kennedy III, Steve Lynch, among others – who can’t believe it either.

Gore Vidal once famously said, “No talent is not enough.” But for Eddie Markey, it has been enough. No talent, that is.

He’s done nothing since Nixon was president, and now he can keep doing it for these final six years.

Ed Markey, we will not see his like again.

Knock on wood.